Riptides

2019 taught me how to let go. 

It started with knowing when to let go of the job offer that you tried to convince yourself to take. You agonized for weeks about whether you should just say “yes” until you finally listened to how your body was screaming “no” and you let go. And even as you exhaled relief, you felt anxiety bubble up because you knew that this was the start of something bigger. That this also meant letting go of the career that you’ve begun to drift away from. The career that you’ve chipped away at building since that first internship almost a decade ago. The career that once felt like the only possible future but now feels like a future that belongs to somebody else. 

In 2019, I learned that letting go is an exercise in deflating the ego and getting humble with yourself. Each time you let go, you are, in some ways, admitting defeat. You pursued a path, labored towards a goal, tried to follow the right advice, but in the end, it didn’t work out. Letting go takes courage. It’s scary to shatter visions and dreams and identities that you’ve clung to because they’re familiar. Because they feel safe. Even when they’re stifling you. 

In 2019, I learned to ask myself whether I’m really working on the right problem. Whether what I think I want is true to who I am. Whether something feels right, and if it doesn’t, what needs to change. I learned that these questions aren’t always easy to answer. That sometimes letting go means acknowledging that you’re lost and that you might not know how to get back on your feet. But just knowing that letting go is an option—that my world won’t break when I release my clutch—is the most liberating lesson I’ve taught myself this year. 

2020 will be a year of creating new narratives. Ones that are only possible because I’ve shaken off what no longer fits.