The Color Orange
Morning light soaked the sandstone and everything was the color orange. “Off rappel!” I yelled up to Raja and turned to look at the valley’s floor. A slot canyon narrowed behind me and a ragged tree grew out of the soft dirt. I unlaced my shoes and sunk my toes into the earth and tried to force myself to relax. We were in Arches, on the West Fins route, a class 4 scramble with a 5.4 crux that takes half a day to complete. “It’ll be an adventure hike,” Raja told me with a grin in the parking lot hours earlier.
I had anticipated an easy day exploring gullies and hidden paths between buttes, but as I descended slabs that veered into steep drops, I imagined slipping and tumbling off. As I maneuvered the crux unroped with open air beneath my feet, my fear of heights made my calves quiver. I was in one of the most beautiful places I had ever been and yet I was too tense to feel excited.
I watched Raja glide down the rope and felt a pang of jealousy at how calm he was. I remembered how he told me the first time we met that he planned to climb The Nose in a few years and Fitz Roy after that. I was awed by his confidence. I loved the wilderness as much as he did, but sometimes felt stifled by doubts at was possible. He lunged at big dreams while I hesitated. Barefoot on the valley’s floor, I compared myself to him and felt flooded by insecurities.
When I think back to that day, I remember tracing my fingers along the sides of slot canyons and rappelling against glossy sandstone and racing up slab, but I also remember how I felt quietly defeated at the bottom of that canyon. It’s not how I want to remember feeling, but it’s there. It’s a mindset I’m still working on. Something I’m still learning to dismantle. Now in the backcountry with Raja, I try to replace feelings of jealousy and insecurity and fear with gratitude. Gratitude that we’re outside. That we’re outside exploring together. That we have each other to lean on and share moments with. Like so many things in life, it’s a process, but I’m getting there.